Expectation versus reality in the postpartum period can be a shock, especially for new moms experiencing postpartum depression (PPD). Before birth, it’s easy to picture a catalog-perfect nursery, the best baby gear, and endless cozy snuggles. But once your baby arrives, those expectations don’t always match how you feel. Instead of instant connection, you might notice numbness, distance, or even a heaviness you didn’t anticipate.
You’ve likely heard about the more common signs of PPD, like low mood, exhaustion, or losing interest in things you once loved. But there’s another experience that doesn’t get nearly enough attention: how hard it can feel to bond with your newborn, and just how common that really is.
Why It’s Hard For New Mothers To Bond With Their Babies
According to Jessica Pinti Dunson, LCAS, LCMH, a therapist at Therapy for Women Center who works with patients experiencing postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety (PPA), there are five key reasons bonding can feel difficult:
- Emotional blunting: This can show up as a loss of pleasure or emotional response. Moments that are often expected to feel rewarding, like holding, feeding, or simply looking at your baby, can instead feel flat, overwhelming, or even repulsive. “It doesn’t mean the mom doesn’t care,” explains Dunson, “it means her brain is deficient in nutrients and not working properly.”
- Hormonal and neurochemical changes: After birth, the body goes through one of the most rapid and intense hormonal shifts it will ever experience. “A doctor once described it to me as one day you take 100 birth control pills, and the next you take zero, and women are expected to cope with limited knowledge and support,” Dunson says. Key hormones like estrogen, progesterone, and oxytocin fluctuate dramatically. When oxytocin, often called the “love hormone,” isn’t releasing as it should, it can directly impact bonding and attachment.
- Increased anxiety and responsibility: For some women, PPD is compounded by PPA, which can lead to avoiding the very behaviors that typically help build connection. Anxiety can show up as constant “what if” thinking, like “What will happen to my baby if… ?” or more intrusive fears, such as “What if I fall while going down the stairs with the baby?” In some cases, thoughts can become even more distressing, including fears about harming the baby or yourself, making it harder to engage and feel present.
- Fatigue and mental stress: The mental and physical load of new motherhood can be overwhelming, especially within broader systemic pressures. “In America, it can be quite pricey to have a child, and for many women, they only have access to partially paid maternity leave, or FMLA, which only guarantees them a job for 12 weeks, not even the same job,” says Dunson. “The pressure to go back to work can interfere with the ability to be present in healing and bonding with the baby. Depression often causes severe fatigue, poor concentration, and sleep disruptions, which are a given with a newborn. When your own needs are not being met, and then you’re being asked to meet the needs of a child, it can make energy depleted, and being emotionally attuned becomes increasingly harder.”
- Negative self-perception: All of this, layered with guilt and societal expectations, can shape how you see yourself as a parent. “There is a large social pressure to love motherhood,” Dunson says, “but I don’t know anyone who loves to be covered in spit-up or poop. [These feelings] can create emotional distance and disdain for the child who is creating situations that ultimately make the mother feel like a failure.”
You’re Not Alone
If bonding doesn’t happen right away, you’re far from the only one. PPD affects 1 in 8 women in the U.S., and for many, it can shape how those early weeks and months feel — including their connection with their baby.
There’s a lot of pressure to feel an instant, overwhelming bond, but that’s not everyone’s reality. For some, connection builds slowly. For others, it can feel distant or complicated at first. None of that makes you a bad parent, and it doesn’t mean something is broken.
What’s often left out of the conversation is that bonding isn’t always immediate — it can grow over time, as you heal, adjust, and start to feel more like yourself again. And for most parents, that shift does come.
If you’re feeling disconnected, struggling, or just not how you expected to feel, it’s important to know that it’s common, it’s valid, and you’re not alone in it.
Here’s How To Cope
Learning more about postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety, connecting with other moms who’ve been through it, and building in small, supportive routines can make a real difference. According Dunson, these kinds of intentional, everyday practices can help gently rebuild connection over time.
Simple habits that boost oxytocin, like skin-to-skin contact, can support bonding, even if it doesn’t feel natural right away.
Dunson also recommends “narrating” your day to your baby. It might feel a little awkward at first, but putting your actions into words can help create a sense of connection and rhythm, both for you and your baby. Talking through everyday moments — diaper changes, feedings, getting dressed — can make interactions feel more intentional and engaging.
Another strategy she suggests is creating small, low-pressure bonding moments throughout the day. Think of them as “baby highlights”: a few minutes of uninterrupted play, reading a short book, or simply holding your baby without distractions. Setting a loose time limit can actually make it feel more manageable, especially when you’re already exhausted. When your brain knows there’s an endpoint, it can ease some of the pressure and make it easier to stay present.
Most importantly, struggling with bonding is common, and it’s something you deserve support for. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or disconnected, reaching out to a therapist or doctor can help you feel seen, supported, and on a path toward feeling more like yourself again.
Presented by BDG Studios
Ref: https://www.romper.com/life/ppd-makes-bonding-harder-than-you-expect
