Infidelity causes deep grief, marking the loss of the old relationship and its imagined future. This process often involves three parts: grieving the „old“ relationship, lost loyalty, and previously imagined future. Partners typically navigate six non-linear stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and finding meaning.
After processing grief, couples can achieve a „rebirth“ by renewing their commitment to a „new“ relationship. This involves defining new needs, expressing fresh vows, creating shared experiences and daily rituals, and scheduling regular check-ins. Focusing on the present and lessons learned helps rebuild a stronger, more honest partnership. Grieving is essential for reconstructing a healthy relationship after infidelity.
Infidelity can cause deep grief within a relationship. In this case, grief means the loss or death of the relationship both partners knew. That relationship has been irrevocably changed. Once partners grieve, however, they can allow room for a rebirth. That rebirth is the “new” relationship they start to rebuild. So these are related steps: grieving what has been lost while renewing a commitment to rebuild.
Like forgiveness, grieving is a process. Grief doesn’t look a particular way, and everyone’s timeline for healing is different. Betrayed partners essentially experience grief in regard to infidelity in three parts: grief about the “old” relationship, grief about their partner’s loyalty, and grief about their previously imagined future.
A helpful concept for understanding grief is Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages of grief, to which David Kessler added a sixth stage. The six stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and finding meaning. Moving through the six-stage grief process in their own way can help partners move forward and renew their commitment.
Denial
Denial is often the first stage of grief because the body and brain are likely in shock. A common defense mechanism, denial is a way to avoid reality in order to protect ourselves. Denial may look like, “There is no way my partner cheated on me. We had a loving relationship.”
Anger
Anger is common in grief because, typically, underneath anger is hurt. People are hurt that their loved one was unfaithful. They may find themselves angry not just at their partner but at everyone and everything.
Anger also gives the illusion of control because it’s a powerful emotion. Anger looks like, “I’m so mad at my partner, and I can’t believe they would do this to me!”
Bargaining
Bargaining is a way to take back control of the situation. When people are in pain and uncomfortable, they try everything in their power to change the situation back to the way it was before the infidelity occurred. They may question what they could have done differently to prevent infidelity. Bargaining may look like, “If only I spent more time with my partner or was more attractive, my partner wouldn’t have cheated.”
Depression
Depression is a profound sadness. Everyone feels blue or sad once in a while, but the sadness of grief may feel unbearable. Depression shows up in different ways, but the most common signs are different sleep patterns (either more or less), suicidal thoughts or ideation, confusion or distraction, eating more or less, and/or not wanting to do activities that once brought joy. Depression may look like, “I don’t know if I can handle this or want to live; I am just too sad.”
If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, seek help immediately. For help 24/7, dial 988 for the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or reach out to the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741. To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
Acceptance
Acceptance is recognizing that the event occurred. It doesn’t necessarily mean forgiveness or being OK with what happened. It just means the person is processing what has happened and figuring out next steps. Acceptance looks like, “I understand this happened, and I cannot change the past.”
Finding Meaning
Typically, the grief process culminates in finding meaning in the experience. This is especially important for partners who are overcoming infidelity and rebuilding a relationship. This involves exploring why the infidelity occurred as an opportunity to deepen and better understand the relationship in order to repair it. Finding meaning may look like, “I recognize this was very difficult for our relationship, but it allowed us to be more honest in our partnership going forward.”
The grief stages aren’t linear; stages can arise in different orders, ebb and flow, and last longer or shorter. The important thing to remember is that there is no wrong or right way to grieve. The main goal is to consciously process our emotions.
Once both partners have worked through the grieving process enough to focus on finding meaning, they can begin to renew their commitment to each other. Renewing your commitment means recognizing you’re now in a new relationship. The couple is grieving the old relationship and pledging to start a new one. The new relationship is an opportunity to incorporate the lessons learned from understanding the relationship problems that preexisted the infidelity.
Infidelity Essential Reads
Steps to Renew Your Commitment
1. Determine what the new relationship will look like: Each person should write down a list of what they need in the new relationship and some thoughts on how to realize them. For instance, if one partner names transparency and honesty, would that involve more check-ins throughout the day and/or more communication about the relationship? Are there new things partners need that they didn’t need before? Partners should read and review their lists together.
2. Express this renewed commitment: Whether simply stating the words to each other or creating a commitment ceremony, partners should express their promises to each other. Writing down and/or stating new “vows” is a nice way to embody the new commitments the partners are making to each other.
3. Create new shared experiences: This can be a nice way to create memories and associations with the new relationship. A shared experience can be picking up a new hobby together, such as playing pickleball, dancing, taking cooking classes, or volunteering. The idea is to create something new that didn’t exist in the previous relationship.
4. Establish new daily rituals: Developing new daily rituals is a way to ensure partners are connecting consistently. Rituals could include having breakfast in the mornings or walking together in the evening after work. For more ideas, see “Quick Partner Connections” (see my book Love Hacks, page 32).
5. Schedule check-ins about the relationship: Communication about the new relationship is pivotal. It’s important for partners to continue talking about what they need and how they feel the relationship is going. Aim for weekly or biweekly check-ins.
6. Focus on the present: It may be challenging to let go of an infidelity, but part of renewing a commitment is focusing on the new, current relationship and moving forward. It’s important to put the past behind as partners create stronger accountability in the new relationship.
Grieving a relationship after infidelity is not only natural but necessary. If partners can truly mourn their feelings, they can start the process of reconstructing a new relationship. Renewing our commitment is a beautiful way to respect and honor our new relationship going forward.
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